A
career coaching article
Risking a Career
when you're
Moving for Love
by Cathy
Goodwin, Ph.D.
Those who watched HBO's Sex and the
City (SATC, now available on DVD) know the last eight
episodes were less about sex and more about city. And the last
three episodes, taken together could serve as a case study for a
decision faced by many clients:
Should I follow my
heart or
hang on to my job?
Whether you want to move to be closer to aging parents, or follow
a lover into a new life, the stakes
are extremely high.
Some people really do live happily ever after, but others end up
divorced, broke, and stuck in a place they really hate. Here are some
tips to become part of the first group and avoid the second.
1. Test the move.
Before selling your home, resigning from your job, giving
up your apartment, or getting a visa, spend time in your future
environment and watch for changes in yourself and your
relationship.
SATC fans noticed that Carrie's lover, Alexander, began to act
differently once he was on his own turf. And a two-week Paris
vacation would have saved her lots of misery (although the story
would be less fun to watch).
2. Recognize
that
relationship dynamics will change once you've moved.
A common scenario: Hal and Sallie fell in love and married while
both were in graduate school. Hal was offered a tenure-track
position at Prestige U on the west coast; Sallie was offered a
similar job at Elite U the east coast. Sallie considers giving up her
own career to follow Hal. After all, she reasons, she can start a
part-time job at Prestige U and... who knows?
Hal and Salliie should be seeing red flags all over the place.
They met and married as professional and financial equals. They earned
small stipends as graduate assistants -- but the stipends were
identical.
Now Hal emerges as the major breadwinner. Sallie might rejoice in
her freedom to pursue creative interestr that would not be
possible on the tenure track. Hal might proudly embrace his role as
family provider. Maybe they would have children and Sallie would be a
stay-at-home mom.
But let's move to a parallel universe. Hal resents being the major
breadwinner. Now that Sallie's bringing in far less money, he
wants her to do more around the house. He's gone a lot, attending
meetings and colloquia where Sallie's not welcome, even though she's at
least his equal in scholarship. Sallie doesn't really want new
creative outlets: she wants to pursue academic research, and once she's
branded as a part-time "adjunct," that route will be closed to her at
this university.
3. Replace
"sacrifice"
with "strategize:" find creative ways to join head and heart.
While researching my book on moving, I talked to Joyce, who'd
moved to Texas to be closer to her growing grandchildren. After a few
months, Joyce reported, the novelty wore off.
The grandchildren had their own friends. Soon they'd outgrow
baby-sitters and begin minding other people's children, pets and lawns.
Joyce could go to their games and performances, but what would
she do the rest of the time?
I've met at least half a dozen people who moved to spend more time with
their relatives only to discover, after the move, that the
relatives were doing just fine, thank you very much!
Long-distance relationships can be brutal. But it can be equally
painful to feel like a fourth-class professional while your
spouse's career soars into the stratosphere.
Sometimes you can plan ahead. You'll build a name and
reputation on the east coast. And then you move with your family
to the west coast, on your own terms and in your own right.
4. Discover flexible
options
that you're willing to consider.
Ursula "trailed" her successful new husband from Chicago to Los
Angeles. Before moving, she decided she was willing to abandon
her own highly successful career in market research and begin a
new career in sales.
At first, Ursula seemed to be failing miserably. She had little
aptitude for sales but she gradually learned to love the "click"
when someone said yes. She had an amazingly patient sales manager
who said, "You just need time to grow." And she believed deeply
in her product.
Encouraged by her husband, Ursula persisted and, five years after the
move, became "Salesperson of the Year" in her firm.
Not everyone is cut out to be an Ursula and not everyone lands in a lucrative
alternative career. Bill, with a PhD in history, decided
he could find happiness as an underpaid, overworked adjunct
professor, focusing on teaching rather than research. He grew to
love teaching and working with students, while his wife built a
lucrative career as a vice president in a financial management
firm.
When you know you'll be moving for one partner's goals, often the
second partner chooses a portable career: freelancing, coaching,
computer programming. Portable careers often require an initial
investment in one location, where you build relationships with
potential clients and employers. But they often bring new rewards
and open doors to exciting adventures.
5. Begin with honesty.
Once you recognize you don't want to move, or you really resent
giving up your career, you can begin to focus on solutions.
I often encourage partners to visit a couples counselor to deal with
the emotional challenges. Denying feelings can lead to a major collapse
of the job or the relationship.
Opening up can lead to creative synergies you never anticipated. And
you may feel deeply relieved to learn your parents, cousins and
grandchildren really don't mind if you remain in your job, two
thousand miles away.
In fact, they may be secretly hoping you'll
change your mind.
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