Maybelle lives!

A feline-filled journey through academic life

by Cathy Goodwin, PhD

 

In 1991 I began editing the newsletter for the Society for Consumer Psychology (SCP). I created a humor column featuring the adventures of my alter ego, Maybelle Marketing. At the time I was a dedicated full-time academic. I loved research and was a dedicated conference junkie. Writing about Maybelle was a way to deal with the frustrations of academia, which are not much different from the frustrations that led Scott Adams to create Dilbert.

I have finally yielded to Maybelle's fans who wanted "a book that we can give to our favorite administrators!" You can now buy a 75-page ebook with the full Maybelle story . You can order this ebook for only $10.95 . Or visit my secure shopping cart http://www.movinglady.com/shopping.html .

You will be able to download your copy immediately using your Adobe Acrobat reader.

The book has several new episodes that did not appear in the newsletter and all the episodes were updated for the new millenium. An introduction was added.

And, at the very end, you find a picture of the author, Cathy Goodwin, with her dog (yes, you read that correctly) and an update on her life and times.

Barbara Stern of Rutgers University, president of the Maybelle Fan Club and respected literary critic, pronounces the episodes, "Hilarious!"

If you have never read about Maybelle, you can sample her escapades here.

First part of introduction
Sample episode: "Maybelle goes on leave"
Sample episode: "A very human resource"

Place an order

 

INTRO

Q. Are you Maybelle?

A. Maybelle is my alter ego. I would like to be Maybelle.

Maybelle is quite a bit younger than I am and I suspect she's thinner and better-looking. She is an alum of a college sorority. I am an alum of a women's college.

She works hand-in-glove with the union; I fought the faculty union in Canada. Maybelle has three cats and she takes them everywhere; I had two cats during the Maybelle years and recently acquired a dog. Maybelle will never have a dog. I try to take the dog everywhere.

Maybelle's cat, Fluffy, has claws that are registered as lethal weapons. My cats were declawed before I adopted them.

Maybelle's cats have dumb names: Fluffy, Tabby and Furball. My cats have dignified names: Tiger (a female tabby) and Loretta (after Loretta Lynn).

Maybelle is romantically involved with a hunky veterinarian who lives in Alaska and drives a jeep.
Not me.

Maybelle drives everyone crazy and she gets excused from committees, jury duty and more -- it's like, "Just get her out of here!"
Could be me.

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MAYBELLE GOES ON LEAVE
(c) Cathy Goodwin

To: Maybelle Marketing
From: Dean I. M. Power

Delighted to approve your leave to study Stray Cats: Predators and Prey. If you need more time to complete this seminal research, I have already signed renewal papers. No need to rush back.

To: Maybelle Marketing
From: Nefarious Airlines

 

We are sorry to learn that Fluffy feels humiliated if her cat carrier is marked "Excess Baggage." Please remember that, in proportion to her size, Fluffy has more room in her carrier than our first class passengers enjoy in their recliner seats.
Anyway, your cats are well known in the airline world. We had to override the Hazardous Cargo Alert to allow Fluffy on board in any capacity.

To: Maybelle Marketing
From: Northern Trails University

 

We're delighted to learn that you will be joining us for your extended leave. To move your household goods, we contracted with Organization Movers, Frankie Felon's latest acquisition. I believe Frankie got his start at your very own Weird University, where he began building anempire by dealing questionable substances at academic conferences. Frankie's lawyer, Big Tony, assures us Frankie has reformed.

To Organization Moving
From: Maybelle Marketing

 

I've always wanted to try some participant observation research on the topic, Life without Furniture (not to mention clothing, dishes or sheets), and I am deeply grateful to your company forgiving me an opportunity to experience this condition while my possessions remain lost somewhere near Delaware.
Since both my origin and destination are both west of the Mississippi, I'm glad my furniture will get to see something of the East Coast, even if I don't. However, my data collection is now approaching redundancy and I am ready to sleep in my own bed again.

To: Maybelle Marketing
From: Organization Moving

 

We can authorize temporary accommodations until your furniture arrives, but we cannot force any hotel on the continent to accept Fluffy, Tabby and Furball as guests. Nor can we authorize restaurant meals for felines. We are sure Fluffy will recover from the trauma of eating off a paper plate on the floor.
Alas, we don't have a Feline Therapy Unit, but Big Tony has offered to devote some quality one-on-one time to Fluffy's morale problem.

To: Customer Service, Organization Moving Corp.
From: Central Dispatch, Organization Moving Corp.

Who hired Driver Tom in the first place? When the Highway Patrol asks about funny-looking plants, our drivers are supposed to declare them as household geraniums, slightly wilted from travel trauma. They are not supposed to say, "Gee, I dunno, but it sure looks like something from the sixties, don't it?"

After the entire van had been unloaded and inspected at the Oklahoma border, and all the dust analyzed, Tom just started driving east and didn't stop till he saw the ocean. It's up to the PR suits to tell Maybelle Marketing what happened to her stuff.

To: Maybelle Marketing
From: Customer Service, Organization Moving

We are genuinely sorry about the delay associated with delivery of your household goods. Believe me, our founders know all about life on the run.
We believe you will understand when we tell you that Driver Tom, one of our most experienced and dedicated professionals, halted his truck when he spied a cat caught in a tree on a freezing cold day. (OK, it was August, but he was in the mountains.)

Fortunately, ladders are standard equipment for Organization Movers. Driver Tom climbed the tree, rescued the cat and held its paw during surgery at the local veterinary hospital. After getting medical treatment for his own scratches, Tom climbed right back in his truck--but not before making sure that the cat would have a loving home with the veterinarian's assistant. We're sure you would have done the same.

To: Maybelle Marketing
From: Dr. Hy Upp, Chair, Consumer Research, Weird University
In your absence, the department formed an Office Decorating Committee.
Dr. Bill Bigot has replaced your wall of feline symbols with a shrine to Vince Lombardi.
Dr. Sam Stud replaced your Feline Research bookshelf with a shrine to Giorgio Armani.
Dr. Norbert New has requisitioned your computer to replace the one that was destroyed by mildew. He downloaded all your files to floppy disks for safekeeping.
Dr. Nancy Nice (Education) has received a grant to use the freed-up space for her latest research project: How Nursery School Students Interact with Their Environment in the Absence of Restrictions and Restraints. She apologizes for the mix-up involving your floppy disks and the children's throw toys.
Please be assured that we miss you and we eagerly await your return at leave's end. However, don't skimp on your research: I fully support Dean Power's willingness to grant extensions into the next century.

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A Very human resource
© Cathy Goodwin

To: All Faculty and Staff of Weird University
From: VP - Policies and Procedures
Please welcome Daphne Dithers, our new Human Resources (HR) Manager. Ms Dithers comes to us from Corn Stalk University, where she managed the word processing center. She holds a Certificate of Personnel Administration (dated1972) from the College of Desperation.

To: Dean I M Power, Business School
From: VP - Policies and Procedures
VERY CONFIDENTIAL

 

We agree with your faculty that Ms. Dithers could not pass our own undergraduate courses in industrial relations and organizational psychology. However, our reputation for living up to the name of Weird University has preceded us on the job market. Qualified applicants are not rushing to the prairies to battle six unions who jointly sponsor the Mediocrity of the Year Award; two feminist groups that exchange weekly death threats; a Board of Regents collectively known as Corn Meal Mush; and, last but not least, Maybelle's cat Fluffy, whose claws are registered with the sheriff as lethal weapons.
We are well aware that the Foreign Legion and a branch of the Family have set up successful recruiting centers in the Faculty Club. We're lucky to hire anyone who can write "human being" in the space for "job qualifications" on the application form.

To: Dr. Hy Upp, Head, Consumer Psychology Department
From: Norbert New, Assistant Professor

 

Because of all the budget cuts, I was given only one copy of my course syllabus. I had to pass it around so everyone could write down the first assignment.
I notice that Ms. Dithers just distributed 5000 copies of her HR newsletter to faculty, staff, students and vagrants. Page 1 has the life history of Ms. Dithers (I didn't know there was a drama school in Medicine Hat, Canada) and pages 5-15 give us the lowdown on the summer vacations of the HR staff (they like Club Med). Page 16 shows us the newly decorated HR lounge and recreation center. Should I write a letter to the editor?

To: Norbert New
From: Dr Hy Upp, Chair, Consumer Psychology

 

Pens cost money. The last time anybody questioned HR expenditures, his pay check was deposited to a Wyoming ghost bank and all his medical claims had to be approved by a witch doctor. Find something that isn't alive and hit it.

To: Daphne Dithers
From: Maybelle Marketing

 

I'm delighted with the new Faculty Assistance Program you have inaugurated. I hope you will ignore the narrow-minded spoilsports who feel that our counselors should have experience dealing with college-educated adults.
I am especially grateful that your counseling staff includes Ms. Lotta Furr, a licensed feline therapist, whose compassionate understanding of Fluffy's litterbox problem has given new meaning and purpose to my life. Her advice for my long-distance romance ("Get him neutered!") may be a little harder to follow.

To: Daphne Dithers
From: Brenda Battleaxe - Legal

 

Much as I like to sue faculty members, I'm afraid we can't support Dr. Fran Feminist's complaint relating to Dr. Sam Stud's acquisition of a male-oriented magazine. We have no jurisdiction over faculty purchases at legal airport newsstands. This campus lacks an enforceable standard of taste and literary quality, as evidenced by the rather fiery responses to your own newsletter.
Anyway, don't jump to conclusions. Sam looks for Lauren Polos, not Lustful Photos. Last year, he grabbed five copies of a glossy perodical when he saw the words "Giorgio Armani" on the cover. Maybelle walked by just as Sam began reading a Cat Life fantasy about high-fashion kitty sweaters. Luckily, Sam found an earth-friendly way to burn his copies before Maybelle could add his name to her Feline Fanatics support group.

To: Daphne Dithers
From: Maybelle Marketing

 

I wish to report a case of species discrimination. Dr. Fran Feminist has the book Fun Things to Do with a Dead Cat right on her office shelves. As a professor of English, Dr. Feminist will be aware of the symbolic implications of this title. I am deeply offended.

To: Daphne Dithers
From: Dr. Fran Feminist - English
I wish to report damage in the form of claw marks to my property, a book entitled Fun Things to do with a Dead Cat.. I thought felines were not allowed in university buildings. Whatever happened to sisterhood?

To: Faculty, Weird University
From: Daphne Dithers - Human Resources

 

As a modern HR manager, I do not dismiss trivial complaints in the traditional way ("Chill out! Grow up! Get a life!") Instead, we have just completed a 500-page policy manual to help faculty decide whether materials displayed in offices meet today's standards of taste and fairness. Cartoons should not poke fun at females, males, dogs, cats or pigeons.
Other standards will evolve as we settle the 2000 grievances that were filed after I personally searched all the faculty offices. We confiscated over fifty Far Side Cartoons, two sleeping bags and one catnip mouse found by the K-9 Corps. Several offices occupied by senior faculty have been closed by the Fire Marshal due to toxic paper accumulation.
To prepare and enforce our new regulations, we have hired three full-time lawyers and purchased a small paper mill. Most of you won't notice the academic budget cuts that were necessitated by these essential expenditures. Do we really need a communications department?

To: All Faculty and Staff
From: VP--Policies and Procedures

 

We regret that Ms. Daphne Dithers will become the first staff member to take advantage of her own new stress leave policy. Ms. Dithers has made arrangements to enter a private clinic. When we suggested her own new counseling service, she began screaming, "No! I am not a cat! I want a shrink, not a vet!"
Brenda Battleaxe (Legal) has drafted a binding promise to reward anyone who can connect Frankie Felon with the photos that mysteriously appeared at the Board of Regents meeting last week. Following the customary group prayer, the Board's eyes were opened to Dazzling Daphne of the Medicine Hat Topless Lounge, glossy 8x10's in living color.
Some of you have hinted that Ms. Dithers falsified her job application, which listed her thespian activity as Shakespearian drama. However, administrators take a blood oath to protect one another in time of need. Therefore, we are prepared to argue that Ms. Dithers was developing her dramatic presence as preparation for future leading roles. Her only mistake was to believe that these tragedies and comedies would be played on a stage rather than a college campus.
Since all the lawyers in this county are on retainer to Weird University or its unions, we will make room in the budget to hire legal talent from Los Angeles, where they understand the theatrical demands of the courtroom as well as the stage.

 

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Introduction: Truthful Q&A from the author
Introducing Maybelle
"A Tough Job, But"
Maybelle Joins a Committee
Dear Spirit Guide: Faculty Meetings
Purchasing Power
Some Very Human Resources
Maybelle Goes Job-Hunting
Dear Spirit Guide: When to change jobs
Maybelle's Home Page
Kidnapped!
'Tis the Season
Maybelle Goes on Leave
Can Maybelle Be Replaced?
Maybelle Goes to the Big Apple
Weird University Gets Accredited
Paws, Claws and -- Trout?
New Offices
Warned Off!
Weird Quality at Weird University
Maybelle Goes for Magnificence
Maybelle's Activity Report
"The Ideal Job Candidate"
Recruiting Reconsidered
Chairman Maybelle?
Or was that Chairman Mao?
A Christmas Fable
About the Author
Photo of Author and Dog